přidáno 06.03.2016
hodnoceno 9
čteno 711(14)
posláno 0
Ashes rumbling from a soul,
             soul torn apart.

Shattered pieces levitating around.
Waiting to be gathered around your heart
like an armor shaped into a crown.

Curves of your lips awaiting a kiss.
A kiss that been exchanged
             hundred times between the eyes.

World not anymore black and white,
emotions came like a tide.
Tide of the river made from vicious mind.

River running wild.

Thoughts burning inside the lights.
Blue waves shaping ragged heart.
přidáno 06.03.2016 - 21:32
MichaelaČ: Yup, it is. Also, kudos for the correct use of 'whom' :)
přidáno 06.03.2016 - 21:19
casa.de.locos: Haha, You got a point. However, it is up to me what I want to share with whom, right?
I hope you will read another pieces as well, your opinion is welcomed anyway.
přidáno 06.03.2016 - 21:04
MichaelaČ: Noble reason - does a personal linguistic challenge, however, need to be published on a Czech literary server, where there will hardly be anyone to constructively criticise it or appreciate it with understanding?
přidáno 06.03.2016 - 20:53
casa.de.locos: Overcoming obstacles :)
přidáno 06.03.2016 - 20:43
MichaelaČ: If your inner stream of consciousness is in Czech, why do you write in English then, especially if you recognize that your skills are inferior to your ideas?
přidáno 06.03.2016 - 20:30
Cookie: Děkuji :)
přidáno 06.03.2016 - 20:30
casa.de.locos: Thank you for your opinion.

I would not normally react in some sort of defence but since you mentioned the line 'world not anymore black and white' I feel the need to explain it further.
I used fronting for this particular line - thus it means that the line is grammatical.
And to be fair, I admit that in certain parts grammar truly howls from the lack of the proper english structure. Mainly because I use stream of consciousness to create and write. Therefore my inner monologue is narrated in czech state of mind :)
přidáno 06.03.2016 - 20:06
The first two lines ignited a spark of hope that this wasn't going to be another chliché written in English because it 'sounds better' in my chest, but it has been quickly extinguished by the absolutely excruciatingly wrong 'world not anymore black and white'. You seem to have the vocab down (assuming it didn't come from a random dictionary in vain attempt to sound more interesting), but the grammar howls and screeches, in pain, locked in the iron maiden of your Czech sentence structure.
přidáno 06.03.2016 - 19:42
Moc hezké. :)
Zvláště tedy ty první sloky.

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